Modern Day Motherhood

Now that I’m a mom, I can’t stand working a full-time job. I hate being away from my son so much. I hate the idea that I am practically missing him grow up. I’m taking the risk that I’m going to miss all of his big milestones, because I’m at work. I cried almost everyday for the first month or so that I went back to work. I think part of that has to do with the fact that I had to go back 3 weeks after I gave birth instead of getting my full 6 weeks. I was so afraid of missing something momentous in his ever changing life, that I couldn’t stand being away. The idea made me sick to my stomach for the first two weeks. I couldn’t just snuggle him anytime that I wanted. I wasn’t the one changing his diapers when he needed it. I wasn’t there to nurse him, I had to pump instead. Most of all, I wasn’t the one giving him affection at that particular time.

He’s almost 7 months old now. To this day, I have days where I leave him to go to work and within half an hour I want to come home. I don’t want to be at work dealing with work drama and adults. I want to be at home with my baby boy. I want to be: playing with him, making funny faces/sticking my tongue out, tickling him, talking in a language only he seems to understand, feeding him, napping with him, be the one giving him affection and attention. I want to be there for every little sigh. Every giggle. Every burp. Every fart. Everything. It’s so much more fun.

I always wanted to be a stay at home mom. That was my dream. To be there for my kids whenever they needed me. To not have to miss the milestones. My boyfriend and I had always talked about it. For years he told me that he wanted me to be a stay at home mom for the same reasons. But when push came to shove, the final decision was that I had to have a job. I don’t think he wanted that much pressure on his shoulders. I don’t blame him, I wouldn’t want all that pressure either. I watched it tear my father apart for years trying to figure out how to make ends meet, and now I’m watching it do the same to my mother. -sigh- To be honest, I don’t know if I could ever be a stay at home mom now. I’m too used to going to work day in and day out. I’m set in that routine. I would definitely need time to adjust to the responsibilities I would be carrying. I would also miss work. I love working. I love being out in the world and making my imprint on things, but I love the idea of being able to be the best stay at home mom I can be to my child. It’s a constant struggle.

The first post…

The first post is like opening a great book for the first time and hearing the crisp sound of the binding as it bends and cracks at the weight of the pages. The first paragraph grabs your undivided attention and you no longer know what is going on around you, because you are now lost in another persons world of words. That’s what I’m hoping to accomplish right now. Did it work? Haha.

Let me just give a little background on myself and why I chose to create this blog..

I’m a first time Mom. Not that mothering is new to me, I have little brothers and lots of little cousins that I’ve helped look after like they were my own. Family is the MOST important thing to me. After all, if you don’t have family what do you really have? Life isn’t as satisfying if you don’t have people to share it with to go through the ups and downs with, or atleast I think so. (And yes, friends can be family too.) I am a full-time laundry manager. I love my employees. They make the days go by fast and easy without feeling like we’re at work too much, most of the time. 🙂 I also love photography. It’s my passion. One day I hope to make it more than just a hobby and do something with it professionally.

I created this blog, because I need a place to vent. It’s an everyday struggle being a mom. Always wondering if there are things you’re doing wrong, things you could be doing “better,” feeling trapped by your new life’s “expectations” from society. I’ve never felt so much pressure in my life, and I’m very confident in my mothering style/skills. On top of all of that, I have to make sure my relationship doesn’t suffer from my focus on my son. Also, go to my full-time job for about 50+ a week. Then, somehow in all of that chaos, I need to find time to have a semi-normal adult life. Granted it doesn’t sound like a lot, it can be pretty over-whelming.

It’s all worth it at the end of the day. And I wouldn’t change my life for anything. No matter how much I may complain about things I have no control over. Lol.

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