Modern Day Motherhood

Now that I’m a mom, I can’t stand working a full-time job. I hate being away from my son so much. I hate the idea that I am practically missing him grow up. I’m taking the risk that I’m going to miss all of his big milestones, because I’m at work. I cried almost everyday for the first month or so that I went back to work. I think part of that has to do with the fact that I had to go back 3 weeks after I gave birth instead of getting my full 6 weeks. I was so afraid of missing something momentous in his ever changing life, that I couldn’t stand being away. The idea made me sick to my stomach for the first two weeks. I couldn’t just snuggle him anytime that I wanted. I wasn’t the one changing his diapers when he needed it. I wasn’t there to nurse him, I had to pump instead. Most of all, I wasn’t the one giving him affection at that particular time.

He’s almost 7 months old now. To this day, I have days where I leave him to go to work and within half an hour I want to come home. I don’t want to be at work dealing with work drama and adults. I want to be at home with my baby boy. I want to be: playing with him, making funny faces/sticking my tongue out, tickling him, talking in a language only he seems to understand, feeding him, napping with him, be the one giving him affection and attention. I want to be there for every little sigh. Every giggle. Every burp. Every fart. Everything. It’s so much more fun.

I always wanted to be a stay at home mom. That was my dream. To be there for my kids whenever they needed me. To not have to miss the milestones. My boyfriend and I had always talked about it. For years he told me that he wanted me to be a stay at home mom for the same reasons. But when push came to shove, the final decision was that I had to have a job. I don’t think he wanted that much pressure on his shoulders. I don’t blame him, I wouldn’t want all that pressure either. I watched it tear my father apart for years trying to figure out how to make ends meet, and now I’m watching it do the same to my mother. -sigh- To be honest, I don’t know if I could ever be a stay at home mom now. I’m too used to going to work day in and day out. I’m set in that routine. I would definitely need time to adjust to the responsibilities I would be carrying. I would also miss work. I love working. I love being out in the world and making my imprint on things, but I love the idea of being able to be the best stay at home mom I can be to my child. It’s a constant struggle.

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